http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQEAM7hwUEI&feature=related

Back to the top of the cycle

How did I get here?
I am running so fast in the other direction.
I am a fake.
Often I tend to have it all.
I CANNOT keep doing this anymore!

I am thinking that starting on January 1, I am going to set all things straight. I will have a new year, and I will be able to start again. I need to set boundarys, and have limits. There is wayyyy more to all of this, but I still need time to process what it is I am really planning on doing.

Like a Daddy loves his baby girl....

I have just finished reading How He loves me, a book about how much God loves you and how he rejoices of you, and is so proud of you, and He loves you just like a daddy loves his little baby girl....
This has been so hard for me to understand. I mean, yes, I have a father, and he still lives with me, and I am thankful for that, but we don't have a relationship.
I don't know what it feels like to be loved so much where it is the most precious thing in the world to me. I don't have a dad who rejoices over me, is proud of what I do, and at times, I wonder if he really even loves me...
I am finding out that this hurt is going way deeper than what I have ever expect....I am thinking that tomorrow or within the next few days, I am going to seek someone out, and talk about this.
I want to know that God loves me, but this idea of Him loving me just as much as a daddy does his little girl is making it hard for me to understand. The only male relationship that I have had is one that has made me feel insecure, unloved, and not worthy. I want to know that God loves me, but how can I when me only relationship with my dad here is one that I don't see any connection to the way that God loves me and looks at me....

Not Alone....

Wow....I have just spent about 2 hours reading through a blog of someone who I look up to. It was amazing to see the flow of the way that God has worked and is working in her life. It's amazing to see how I am so drawn to people who I am able to connect with so well. Her writing was outstanding, and I was able to identify with her, and suddenly I began not to feel so alone. Sure I have things and she has things that are not the same, but the emotions that were flowing from her writings were the same ones that are so real in my life now as a freshman.

I am starting to feel as though I am gaining some form of self control. I know what is right for me, and I know that I am just a steward of this body, and this life.

I have come to realize that I am not alone, and I am beginning to realize it more and more every day.

Thank God for the amazing people that He has placed in my life. They are so amazing, and have helped me understand that I am not alone, even if we never really talk about the same emotions, that writing is one way for emotions to flow out, and connect with someone else.

I am not alone, God is with me, and there are so many people around me who feel or have felt what I am feeling now.