Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Back to the top of the cycle
How did I get here?
I am running so fast in the other direction.
I am a fake.
Often I tend to have it all.
I CANNOT keep doing this anymore!
I am thinking that starting on January 1, I am going to set all things straight. I will have a new year, and I will be able to start again. I need to set boundarys, and have limits. There is wayyyy more to all of this, but I still need time to process what it is I am really planning on doing.
I am running so fast in the other direction.
I am a fake.
Often I tend to have it all.
I CANNOT keep doing this anymore!
I am thinking that starting on January 1, I am going to set all things straight. I will have a new year, and I will be able to start again. I need to set boundarys, and have limits. There is wayyyy more to all of this, but I still need time to process what it is I am really planning on doing.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Like a Daddy loves his baby girl....
I have just finished reading How He loves me, a book about how much God loves you and how he rejoices of you, and is so proud of you, and He loves you just like a daddy loves his little baby girl....
This has been so hard for me to understand. I mean, yes, I have a father, and he still lives with me, and I am thankful for that, but we don't have a relationship.
I don't know what it feels like to be loved so much where it is the most precious thing in the world to me. I don't have a dad who rejoices over me, is proud of what I do, and at times, I wonder if he really even loves me...
I am finding out that this hurt is going way deeper than what I have ever expect....I am thinking that tomorrow or within the next few days, I am going to seek someone out, and talk about this.
I want to know that God loves me, but this idea of Him loving me just as much as a daddy does his little girl is making it hard for me to understand. The only male relationship that I have had is one that has made me feel insecure, unloved, and not worthy. I want to know that God loves me, but how can I when me only relationship with my dad here is one that I don't see any connection to the way that God loves me and looks at me....
This has been so hard for me to understand. I mean, yes, I have a father, and he still lives with me, and I am thankful for that, but we don't have a relationship.
I don't know what it feels like to be loved so much where it is the most precious thing in the world to me. I don't have a dad who rejoices over me, is proud of what I do, and at times, I wonder if he really even loves me...
I am finding out that this hurt is going way deeper than what I have ever expect....I am thinking that tomorrow or within the next few days, I am going to seek someone out, and talk about this.
I want to know that God loves me, but this idea of Him loving me just as much as a daddy does his little girl is making it hard for me to understand. The only male relationship that I have had is one that has made me feel insecure, unloved, and not worthy. I want to know that God loves me, but how can I when me only relationship with my dad here is one that I don't see any connection to the way that God loves me and looks at me....
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Not Alone....
Wow....I have just spent about 2 hours reading through a blog of someone who I look up to. It was amazing to see the flow of the way that God has worked and is working in her life. It's amazing to see how I am so drawn to people who I am able to connect with so well. Her writing was outstanding, and I was able to identify with her, and suddenly I began not to feel so alone. Sure I have things and she has things that are not the same, but the emotions that were flowing from her writings were the same ones that are so real in my life now as a freshman.
I am starting to feel as though I am gaining some form of self control. I know what is right for me, and I know that I am just a steward of this body, and this life.
I have come to realize that I am not alone, and I am beginning to realize it more and more every day.
Thank God for the amazing people that He has placed in my life. They are so amazing, and have helped me understand that I am not alone, even if we never really talk about the same emotions, that writing is one way for emotions to flow out, and connect with someone else.
I am not alone, God is with me, and there are so many people around me who feel or have felt what I am feeling now.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Fallen Silent....Again....
Since I have been back to school, I have fallen silent....Not on the social scene, I make sure that I am just as loud as I usually am with my friends, not to lead on that I am sitting stirring with something. The people who really do care, and really DO want in, are the ones that notice it...I thought that I was doing a pretty good job at making sure that I had a balance between keeping everything "normal" not to let anyone catch on...Boy was I wrong.
I know that I have fallen back into the ways that I had before college, not all the way, just kind of falling silent, because I don't think I'm good enough.
I need to learn that the only person that I need to be good enough for is God, but it is so hard for me to accept that...I love to people please, and make everyone happy.... It's starting to take a toll on me, and I don't know what will happen next....I pray that it wont be a meltdown....
I know that I have fallen back into the ways that I had before college, not all the way, just kind of falling silent, because I don't think I'm good enough.
I need to learn that the only person that I need to be good enough for is God, but it is so hard for me to accept that...I love to people please, and make everyone happy.... It's starting to take a toll on me, and I don't know what will happen next....I pray that it wont be a meltdown....
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Black Friday...Not all it's cracked up to be.
Leaving on Thursday evening, my family and I headed to Branson, Missouri for a weekend of shopping, eating, and getting into the Christmas mood. I was really looking forward to getting outside of Greenville and Brighton, and head to a city with a lot of people, and a night life that goes past 11 o'clock at night.
We arrived shortly after Thanksgiving dinner, and as we sat in our hotel room, we flipped through the ads, and lining up all of the "needed" things that we would be standing in line for starting at 3 in the morning for, I had something stirring inside of me...
The things that I have been exposed to since entering college, have really made me stop and challenge myself and all of the lifestyles that I have once lived. I know that I come from a wealthy family, and I never really thought anymore about anything except for the fact that I know that there are starving people around the world, who get sponsorships....Since entering Greenville, all of that has been thrown out the window.
I have had a deeper understanding given to me about the world around me. I have had friends leave the country who have come back with stories that are weighing so heavy on their hearts, that it has become something so constant on their hearts and minds. I have other friends who have witnessed first hand here in the United States what it means to be homeless.
As we prepared to leave for a day of shopping, I had my focus else where. We were standing in line at Kohl's at 3AM, and all I could hear was people yelling and screaming at each other and complaining about how long the lines were, and how upset they were because they didn't get that one thing that they just HAD to have before they could go home this evening.
Once we arrived at Target, I was so wrapped up in this idea of people being so selfish, that I began to look for things in the store that stuck out to me, and I began to keep a mental note of it....
One lady was upset because she had been standing inside, in the warm heated building for over an hour.
Another person was upset because the last Blue Ray player had be purchased by the person in from of him.
I had a hard time listening to all of this, when the photographs that have been shown to me by my friends kept flashing in my mind. We have SO much, yet we think we have so little, and we must have more.
This trip every year has been when the biggest part of the Christmas shopping in our family is done, and that was the same understanding before we left again this year. But, as soon as I was thrown into it, I didn't want anything...I slept in the car most of the day, trying to escape from the materialistic world that I live in. People were fighting, screaming, complaining, and upset over things of this world that will soon parish...I kept thinking of a specific picture that I have seen from a friends recent trip to Africa...She is standing with a child from Africa, and they look on both of their faces is pure and beautiful. They were standing in the middle of nothing, but in the presence of Jesus, and the happiness that comes from knowing that WE ARE loved.
All we needed to do on Black Friday is spend time seeing what is really important. Standing in the presence of Jesus, and enjoy the company that is given to us, and the love that flows to us from the people around us who mean the most to all of us.
I am still stuck on this Black Friday thing, but I feel as though God is using this for His glory. I have no desire to buy all of the things that I think I "need", instead, I want to spend time with Him, and listen to what it is I am supposed to be doing instead.
Branson this year has been so different. In more ways than just this. I have found out a lot about who I am supposed to be in this world, and what I, BRITTNEY have been called to do. I am learning to let go of things, and to give God all of the CONTROL.
I am still working through it all, but I will be heading back to Greenville soon, where my support system is in place, and I will continue to see what God has in store for me (:
We arrived shortly after Thanksgiving dinner, and as we sat in our hotel room, we flipped through the ads, and lining up all of the "needed" things that we would be standing in line for starting at 3 in the morning for, I had something stirring inside of me...
The things that I have been exposed to since entering college, have really made me stop and challenge myself and all of the lifestyles that I have once lived. I know that I come from a wealthy family, and I never really thought anymore about anything except for the fact that I know that there are starving people around the world, who get sponsorships....Since entering Greenville, all of that has been thrown out the window.
I have had a deeper understanding given to me about the world around me. I have had friends leave the country who have come back with stories that are weighing so heavy on their hearts, that it has become something so constant on their hearts and minds. I have other friends who have witnessed first hand here in the United States what it means to be homeless.
As we prepared to leave for a day of shopping, I had my focus else where. We were standing in line at Kohl's at 3AM, and all I could hear was people yelling and screaming at each other and complaining about how long the lines were, and how upset they were because they didn't get that one thing that they just HAD to have before they could go home this evening.
Once we arrived at Target, I was so wrapped up in this idea of people being so selfish, that I began to look for things in the store that stuck out to me, and I began to keep a mental note of it....
One lady was upset because she had been standing inside, in the warm heated building for over an hour.
Another person was upset because the last Blue Ray player had be purchased by the person in from of him.
I had a hard time listening to all of this, when the photographs that have been shown to me by my friends kept flashing in my mind. We have SO much, yet we think we have so little, and we must have more.
This trip every year has been when the biggest part of the Christmas shopping in our family is done, and that was the same understanding before we left again this year. But, as soon as I was thrown into it, I didn't want anything...I slept in the car most of the day, trying to escape from the materialistic world that I live in. People were fighting, screaming, complaining, and upset over things of this world that will soon parish...I kept thinking of a specific picture that I have seen from a friends recent trip to Africa...She is standing with a child from Africa, and they look on both of their faces is pure and beautiful. They were standing in the middle of nothing, but in the presence of Jesus, and the happiness that comes from knowing that WE ARE loved.
All we needed to do on Black Friday is spend time seeing what is really important. Standing in the presence of Jesus, and enjoy the company that is given to us, and the love that flows to us from the people around us who mean the most to all of us.
I am still stuck on this Black Friday thing, but I feel as though God is using this for His glory. I have no desire to buy all of the things that I think I "need", instead, I want to spend time with Him, and listen to what it is I am supposed to be doing instead.
Branson this year has been so different. In more ways than just this. I have found out a lot about who I am supposed to be in this world, and what I, BRITTNEY have been called to do. I am learning to let go of things, and to give God all of the CONTROL.
I am still working through it all, but I will be heading back to Greenville soon, where my support system is in place, and I will continue to see what God has in store for me (:
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