Fallen Silent....Again....

Since I have been back to school, I have fallen silent....Not on the social scene, I make sure that I am just as loud as I usually am with my friends, not to lead on that I am sitting stirring with something. The people who really do care, and really DO want in, are the ones that notice it...I thought that I was doing a pretty good job at making sure that I had a balance between keeping everything "normal" not to let anyone catch on...Boy was I wrong.
I know that I have fallen back into the ways that I had before college, not all the way, just kind of falling silent, because I don't think I'm good enough.
I need to learn that the only person that I need to be good enough for is God, but it is so hard for me to accept that...I love to people please, and make everyone happy.... It's starting to take a toll on me, and I don't know what will happen next....I pray that it wont be a meltdown....

Starfield - Absolutely

Wow. This song has stopped me dead in my tracks today. Left me thinking.

Black Friday...Not all it's cracked up to be.

Leaving on Thursday evening, my family and I headed to Branson, Missouri for a weekend of shopping, eating, and getting into the Christmas mood. I was really looking forward to getting outside of Greenville and Brighton, and head to a city with a lot of people, and a night life that goes past 11 o'clock at night.
We arrived shortly after Thanksgiving dinner, and as we sat in our hotel room, we flipped through the ads, and lining up all of the "needed" things that we would be standing in line for starting at 3 in the morning for, I had something stirring inside of me...
The things that I have been exposed to since entering college, have really made me stop and challenge myself and all of the lifestyles that I have once lived. I know that I come from a wealthy family, and I never really thought anymore about anything except for the fact that I know that there are starving people around the world, who get sponsorships....Since entering Greenville, all of that has been thrown out the window.
I have had a deeper understanding given to me about the world around me. I have had friends leave the country who have come back with stories that are weighing so heavy on their hearts, that it has become something so constant on their hearts and minds. I have other friends who have witnessed first hand here in the United States what it means to be homeless.
As we prepared to leave for a day of shopping, I had my focus else where. We were standing in line at Kohl's at 3AM, and all I could hear was people yelling and screaming at each other and complaining about how long the lines were, and how upset they were because they didn't get that one thing that they just HAD to have before they could go home this evening.
Once we arrived at Target, I was so wrapped up in this idea of people being so selfish, that I began to look for things in the store that stuck out to me, and I began to keep a mental note of it....
One lady was upset because she had been standing inside, in the warm heated building for over an hour.
Another person was upset because the last Blue Ray player had be purchased by the person in from of him.
I had a hard time listening to all of this, when the photographs that have been shown to me by my friends kept flashing in my mind. We have SO much, yet we think we have so little, and we must have more.
This trip every year has been when the biggest part of the Christmas shopping in our family is done, and that was the same understanding before we left again this year. But, as soon as I was thrown into it, I didn't want anything...I slept in the car most of the day, trying to escape from the materialistic world that I live in. People were fighting, screaming, complaining, and upset over things of this world that will soon parish...I kept thinking of a specific picture that I have seen from a friends recent trip to Africa...She is standing with a child from Africa, and they look on both of their faces is pure and beautiful. They were standing in the middle of nothing, but in the presence of Jesus, and the happiness that comes from knowing that WE ARE loved.
All we needed to do on Black Friday is spend time seeing what is really important. Standing in the presence of Jesus, and enjoy the company that is given to us, and the love that flows to us from the people around us who mean the most to all of us.
I am still stuck on this Black Friday thing, but I feel as though God is using this for His glory. I have no desire to buy all of the things that I think I "need", instead, I want to spend time with Him, and listen to what it is I am supposed to be doing instead.
Branson this year has been so different. In more ways than just this. I have found out a lot about who I am supposed to be in this world, and what I, BRITTNEY have been called to do. I am learning to let go of things, and to give God all of the CONTROL.
I am still working through it all, but I will be heading back to Greenville soon, where my support system is in place, and I will continue to see what God has in store for me (:

Talks with Rachel (:

The thing that I was looking forward to the most over break was spending time with Rachel, and having conversations with her....Boy did I get my wish last night. I was able to talk to Rachel, and talk to her about many things that I had been wanting to talk about for quite some time.

We were able to move from topic to topic catching up and never missing a beat, almost like we had never left each other.

Her ways of speaking to me, and the things that she says to me are the things that I keep playing over and over in my head when times of trials come my way. She has been an amazing friend, and would do ANYTHING for me, but it hit me last night that she doesn't understand how amazing of a friend she really is...And oh how that set my wheels to turning.

I think that she the best thing that has come into my life, yet she has no idea just how amazing of a person she is, and all of the things that she does for people, and her actions are those that are beyond any friend that I have ever had.

So, I thought about it a little longer, and it brought me to thinking about my relationship with Christ, and how He thinks that I am the best thing, yet I don't realize it. I think that I am not worth all of the happy things, and tend to push out the good comments that are made me to about just how awesome of a daughter of Christ I am.

I have been thinking about this a lot, and I am seeing God working in a way that is a constant reminder that I am loved by Him above all, and that I need to stop thinking that I am not as amazing as what He says I am.

Kind of crazy to think about where God has taken me from, and where I am about to go. I have found a new light by talking to Rachel....psh, and she thinks that she has not significant meaning in my life (: crazy girl!

Thank you God for reminding me often just how loved I am by you, and to take a little bit of pride in the fact that I am a creation or the Lord most high.

Rachel, I have since last night written you a long letter, and I hope that by reading this and seeing just how big of the impact you have made on my life, and then getting the letter, you will see that you are an AMAZING friend, who has done more for me than I know what to do! I love you!!!! (:

Youth

If you knew the whole truth,

would you still see me as a youth?

The things I have encountered,

go far beyond my years.

I have enjoyed many laughs,

and have had quite a few tears.

I have tried to live my life right,

but most of the time,

it ends up becoming a fight.

I shed tears at night,

but by morning, they are out of sight.

People think all is well,

but inside I tend to dwell.

I have to let go,

but how will I know?

One thing leaves, and another takes it place,

God enter now,

I can only be saved by your grace.

I have given my life to you,

and you have made me new.

I give you the glory,

I will let you use my story.

After I tell you the truth,

I hope that you see I have grown from my youth.

Throwing it out the window! (:

Let it all fade away, or toss it out the window...Today I chose to throw it all out the window. (:
After having a much needed conversation with a friend, I have come to realize that what I have been doing it letting all of the "stuff" in my life fade way, but when something happens, it all come flooding back, and I cling tightly to the unhealthy things of my life for protection.
I have made the choice today to stop playing...I begin to throw the past away, but hold onto one piece, and it begins to grow from there. I am going to be able to do this (: I have found a new peace. God is good (:
I am done playing, I am being made new, and I am going to finally find out what it means to be free!

Stuck...

I don't know where it picked back up again....But I just realized that I can block myself off at the most aweful moments. The moments where I need to be the most open, the times where there were a room full of people who love and care, and the times when the tears are sitting on the rim of my eyes....
I have been so fake the past three days, and I think that people are starting to catch on. I am no longer able to have the fake happy smile, and the fake happy everything, because people are starting to look past all of my walls that I have built up.
As I sit in a room full of people: Miranda, Alexz, Tay and Maria are all here, but yet I chose to not talk about anything. Instead, I am keeping in all of the shame and pain that has come up in the past few week inside, and I am not willing to ask for help.
I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to just go up to someone and explain to them that all I am wanting is for someone to listen to me...Just to talk to me.
I don't think that I am going to be able to overcome all of my sins without help, but I am still not willing to let someone help me.
I am stuck right now...waiting for someone to come into my life, and help me with all of this. But for now, I am just waiting....I will wait for what it is God is doing, but I need to learn to be patient...

Without Ceasing

Last night, early morning today, we held an event on campus called Without Ceasing. Similar to Encounter tour senior devotions worship, and something that took my heart back to the first time I interacted with Encounter worship. The peace, the joy, the love and the hope that came from worshiping with people who are just as broken and hurt as I am, gave me a peace.
I wasn't really sure what it was, or if I was just putting this idea of peace in my head. I was shut off, crying, and distant from anyone and anything. Yeah, there were people around, but never close enough for me to explain what was really going on....
I began to think of my life. Really, who am I? Do I really live this life the way that I should? Do I let my past define who I am today? And will I always have a tag line to my name that I have been so messed up that I will never get away from that?
I knew that Alexz and Jennifer were there, but I still felt all alone. Like no one will fully understand, and be fully willing to deal with all that I am...
I am still working through all of those questions and still trying to find a hope that will give me the real peace and acceptance.
I don't know where I am supposed to go with all of this, or where I am supposed to place all of it, except at the foot of the cross, and leave it there...

blah

I need to write, I need to talk, but nothing is coming to me....
Walk and pray seems to be the answer...