Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Back to the top of the cycle
How did I get here?
I am running so fast in the other direction.
I am a fake.
Often I tend to have it all.
I CANNOT keep doing this anymore!
I am thinking that starting on January 1, I am going to set all things straight. I will have a new year, and I will be able to start again. I need to set boundarys, and have limits. There is wayyyy more to all of this, but I still need time to process what it is I am really planning on doing.
I am running so fast in the other direction.
I am a fake.
Often I tend to have it all.
I CANNOT keep doing this anymore!
I am thinking that starting on January 1, I am going to set all things straight. I will have a new year, and I will be able to start again. I need to set boundarys, and have limits. There is wayyyy more to all of this, but I still need time to process what it is I am really planning on doing.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Like a Daddy loves his baby girl....
I have just finished reading How He loves me, a book about how much God loves you and how he rejoices of you, and is so proud of you, and He loves you just like a daddy loves his little baby girl....
This has been so hard for me to understand. I mean, yes, I have a father, and he still lives with me, and I am thankful for that, but we don't have a relationship.
I don't know what it feels like to be loved so much where it is the most precious thing in the world to me. I don't have a dad who rejoices over me, is proud of what I do, and at times, I wonder if he really even loves me...
I am finding out that this hurt is going way deeper than what I have ever expect....I am thinking that tomorrow or within the next few days, I am going to seek someone out, and talk about this.
I want to know that God loves me, but this idea of Him loving me just as much as a daddy does his little girl is making it hard for me to understand. The only male relationship that I have had is one that has made me feel insecure, unloved, and not worthy. I want to know that God loves me, but how can I when me only relationship with my dad here is one that I don't see any connection to the way that God loves me and looks at me....
This has been so hard for me to understand. I mean, yes, I have a father, and he still lives with me, and I am thankful for that, but we don't have a relationship.
I don't know what it feels like to be loved so much where it is the most precious thing in the world to me. I don't have a dad who rejoices over me, is proud of what I do, and at times, I wonder if he really even loves me...
I am finding out that this hurt is going way deeper than what I have ever expect....I am thinking that tomorrow or within the next few days, I am going to seek someone out, and talk about this.
I want to know that God loves me, but this idea of Him loving me just as much as a daddy does his little girl is making it hard for me to understand. The only male relationship that I have had is one that has made me feel insecure, unloved, and not worthy. I want to know that God loves me, but how can I when me only relationship with my dad here is one that I don't see any connection to the way that God loves me and looks at me....
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Not Alone....
Wow....I have just spent about 2 hours reading through a blog of someone who I look up to. It was amazing to see the flow of the way that God has worked and is working in her life. It's amazing to see how I am so drawn to people who I am able to connect with so well. Her writing was outstanding, and I was able to identify with her, and suddenly I began not to feel so alone. Sure I have things and she has things that are not the same, but the emotions that were flowing from her writings were the same ones that are so real in my life now as a freshman.
I am starting to feel as though I am gaining some form of self control. I know what is right for me, and I know that I am just a steward of this body, and this life.
I have come to realize that I am not alone, and I am beginning to realize it more and more every day.
Thank God for the amazing people that He has placed in my life. They are so amazing, and have helped me understand that I am not alone, even if we never really talk about the same emotions, that writing is one way for emotions to flow out, and connect with someone else.
I am not alone, God is with me, and there are so many people around me who feel or have felt what I am feeling now.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Fallen Silent....Again....
Since I have been back to school, I have fallen silent....Not on the social scene, I make sure that I am just as loud as I usually am with my friends, not to lead on that I am sitting stirring with something. The people who really do care, and really DO want in, are the ones that notice it...I thought that I was doing a pretty good job at making sure that I had a balance between keeping everything "normal" not to let anyone catch on...Boy was I wrong.
I know that I have fallen back into the ways that I had before college, not all the way, just kind of falling silent, because I don't think I'm good enough.
I need to learn that the only person that I need to be good enough for is God, but it is so hard for me to accept that...I love to people please, and make everyone happy.... It's starting to take a toll on me, and I don't know what will happen next....I pray that it wont be a meltdown....
I know that I have fallen back into the ways that I had before college, not all the way, just kind of falling silent, because I don't think I'm good enough.
I need to learn that the only person that I need to be good enough for is God, but it is so hard for me to accept that...I love to people please, and make everyone happy.... It's starting to take a toll on me, and I don't know what will happen next....I pray that it wont be a meltdown....
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Black Friday...Not all it's cracked up to be.
Leaving on Thursday evening, my family and I headed to Branson, Missouri for a weekend of shopping, eating, and getting into the Christmas mood. I was really looking forward to getting outside of Greenville and Brighton, and head to a city with a lot of people, and a night life that goes past 11 o'clock at night.
We arrived shortly after Thanksgiving dinner, and as we sat in our hotel room, we flipped through the ads, and lining up all of the "needed" things that we would be standing in line for starting at 3 in the morning for, I had something stirring inside of me...
The things that I have been exposed to since entering college, have really made me stop and challenge myself and all of the lifestyles that I have once lived. I know that I come from a wealthy family, and I never really thought anymore about anything except for the fact that I know that there are starving people around the world, who get sponsorships....Since entering Greenville, all of that has been thrown out the window.
I have had a deeper understanding given to me about the world around me. I have had friends leave the country who have come back with stories that are weighing so heavy on their hearts, that it has become something so constant on their hearts and minds. I have other friends who have witnessed first hand here in the United States what it means to be homeless.
As we prepared to leave for a day of shopping, I had my focus else where. We were standing in line at Kohl's at 3AM, and all I could hear was people yelling and screaming at each other and complaining about how long the lines were, and how upset they were because they didn't get that one thing that they just HAD to have before they could go home this evening.
Once we arrived at Target, I was so wrapped up in this idea of people being so selfish, that I began to look for things in the store that stuck out to me, and I began to keep a mental note of it....
One lady was upset because she had been standing inside, in the warm heated building for over an hour.
Another person was upset because the last Blue Ray player had be purchased by the person in from of him.
I had a hard time listening to all of this, when the photographs that have been shown to me by my friends kept flashing in my mind. We have SO much, yet we think we have so little, and we must have more.
This trip every year has been when the biggest part of the Christmas shopping in our family is done, and that was the same understanding before we left again this year. But, as soon as I was thrown into it, I didn't want anything...I slept in the car most of the day, trying to escape from the materialistic world that I live in. People were fighting, screaming, complaining, and upset over things of this world that will soon parish...I kept thinking of a specific picture that I have seen from a friends recent trip to Africa...She is standing with a child from Africa, and they look on both of their faces is pure and beautiful. They were standing in the middle of nothing, but in the presence of Jesus, and the happiness that comes from knowing that WE ARE loved.
All we needed to do on Black Friday is spend time seeing what is really important. Standing in the presence of Jesus, and enjoy the company that is given to us, and the love that flows to us from the people around us who mean the most to all of us.
I am still stuck on this Black Friday thing, but I feel as though God is using this for His glory. I have no desire to buy all of the things that I think I "need", instead, I want to spend time with Him, and listen to what it is I am supposed to be doing instead.
Branson this year has been so different. In more ways than just this. I have found out a lot about who I am supposed to be in this world, and what I, BRITTNEY have been called to do. I am learning to let go of things, and to give God all of the CONTROL.
I am still working through it all, but I will be heading back to Greenville soon, where my support system is in place, and I will continue to see what God has in store for me (:
We arrived shortly after Thanksgiving dinner, and as we sat in our hotel room, we flipped through the ads, and lining up all of the "needed" things that we would be standing in line for starting at 3 in the morning for, I had something stirring inside of me...
The things that I have been exposed to since entering college, have really made me stop and challenge myself and all of the lifestyles that I have once lived. I know that I come from a wealthy family, and I never really thought anymore about anything except for the fact that I know that there are starving people around the world, who get sponsorships....Since entering Greenville, all of that has been thrown out the window.
I have had a deeper understanding given to me about the world around me. I have had friends leave the country who have come back with stories that are weighing so heavy on their hearts, that it has become something so constant on their hearts and minds. I have other friends who have witnessed first hand here in the United States what it means to be homeless.
As we prepared to leave for a day of shopping, I had my focus else where. We were standing in line at Kohl's at 3AM, and all I could hear was people yelling and screaming at each other and complaining about how long the lines were, and how upset they were because they didn't get that one thing that they just HAD to have before they could go home this evening.
Once we arrived at Target, I was so wrapped up in this idea of people being so selfish, that I began to look for things in the store that stuck out to me, and I began to keep a mental note of it....
One lady was upset because she had been standing inside, in the warm heated building for over an hour.
Another person was upset because the last Blue Ray player had be purchased by the person in from of him.
I had a hard time listening to all of this, when the photographs that have been shown to me by my friends kept flashing in my mind. We have SO much, yet we think we have so little, and we must have more.
This trip every year has been when the biggest part of the Christmas shopping in our family is done, and that was the same understanding before we left again this year. But, as soon as I was thrown into it, I didn't want anything...I slept in the car most of the day, trying to escape from the materialistic world that I live in. People were fighting, screaming, complaining, and upset over things of this world that will soon parish...I kept thinking of a specific picture that I have seen from a friends recent trip to Africa...She is standing with a child from Africa, and they look on both of their faces is pure and beautiful. They were standing in the middle of nothing, but in the presence of Jesus, and the happiness that comes from knowing that WE ARE loved.
All we needed to do on Black Friday is spend time seeing what is really important. Standing in the presence of Jesus, and enjoy the company that is given to us, and the love that flows to us from the people around us who mean the most to all of us.
I am still stuck on this Black Friday thing, but I feel as though God is using this for His glory. I have no desire to buy all of the things that I think I "need", instead, I want to spend time with Him, and listen to what it is I am supposed to be doing instead.
Branson this year has been so different. In more ways than just this. I have found out a lot about who I am supposed to be in this world, and what I, BRITTNEY have been called to do. I am learning to let go of things, and to give God all of the CONTROL.
I am still working through it all, but I will be heading back to Greenville soon, where my support system is in place, and I will continue to see what God has in store for me (:
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Talks with Rachel (:
The thing that I was looking forward to the most over break was spending time with Rachel, and having conversations with her....Boy did I get my wish last night. I was able to talk to Rachel, and talk to her about many things that I had been wanting to talk about for quite some time.
We were able to move from topic to topic catching up and never missing a beat, almost like we had never left each other.
Her ways of speaking to me, and the things that she says to me are the things that I keep playing over and over in my head when times of trials come my way. She has been an amazing friend, and would do ANYTHING for me, but it hit me last night that she doesn't understand how amazing of a friend she really is...And oh how that set my wheels to turning.
I think that she the best thing that has come into my life, yet she has no idea just how amazing of a person she is, and all of the things that she does for people, and her actions are those that are beyond any friend that I have ever had.
So, I thought about it a little longer, and it brought me to thinking about my relationship with Christ, and how He thinks that I am the best thing, yet I don't realize it. I think that I am not worth all of the happy things, and tend to push out the good comments that are made me to about just how awesome of a daughter of Christ I am.
I have been thinking about this a lot, and I am seeing God working in a way that is a constant reminder that I am loved by Him above all, and that I need to stop thinking that I am not as amazing as what He says I am.
Kind of crazy to think about where God has taken me from, and where I am about to go. I have found a new light by talking to Rachel....psh, and she thinks that she has not significant meaning in my life (: crazy girl!
Thank you God for reminding me often just how loved I am by you, and to take a little bit of pride in the fact that I am a creation or the Lord most high.
Rachel, I have since last night written you a long letter, and I hope that by reading this and seeing just how big of the impact you have made on my life, and then getting the letter, you will see that you are an AMAZING friend, who has done more for me than I know what to do! I love you!!!! (:
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Youth
If you knew the whole truth,
would you still see me as a youth?
The things I have encountered,
go far beyond my years.
I have enjoyed many laughs,
and have had quite a few tears.
I have tried to live my life right,
but most of the time,
it ends up becoming a fight.
I shed tears at night,
but by morning, they are out of sight.
People think all is well,
but inside I tend to dwell.
I have to let go,
but how will I know?
One thing leaves, and another takes it place,
God enter now,
I can only be saved by your grace.
I have given my life to you,
and you have made me new.
I give you the glory,
I will let you use my story.
After I tell you the truth,
I hope that you see I have grown from my youth.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Throwing it out the window! (:
Let it all fade away, or toss it out the window...Today I chose to throw it all out the window. (:
After having a much needed conversation with a friend, I have come to realize that what I have been doing it letting all of the "stuff" in my life fade way, but when something happens, it all come flooding back, and I cling tightly to the unhealthy things of my life for protection.
I have made the choice today to stop playing...I begin to throw the past away, but hold onto one piece, and it begins to grow from there. I am going to be able to do this (: I have found a new peace. God is good (:
I am done playing, I am being made new, and I am going to finally find out what it means to be free!
After having a much needed conversation with a friend, I have come to realize that what I have been doing it letting all of the "stuff" in my life fade way, but when something happens, it all come flooding back, and I cling tightly to the unhealthy things of my life for protection.
I have made the choice today to stop playing...I begin to throw the past away, but hold onto one piece, and it begins to grow from there. I am going to be able to do this (: I have found a new peace. God is good (:
I am done playing, I am being made new, and I am going to finally find out what it means to be free!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Stuck...
I don't know where it picked back up again....But I just realized that I can block myself off at the most aweful moments. The moments where I need to be the most open, the times where there were a room full of people who love and care, and the times when the tears are sitting on the rim of my eyes....
I have been so fake the past three days, and I think that people are starting to catch on. I am no longer able to have the fake happy smile, and the fake happy everything, because people are starting to look past all of my walls that I have built up.
As I sit in a room full of people: Miranda, Alexz, Tay and Maria are all here, but yet I chose to not talk about anything. Instead, I am keeping in all of the shame and pain that has come up in the past few week inside, and I am not willing to ask for help.
I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to just go up to someone and explain to them that all I am wanting is for someone to listen to me...Just to talk to me.
I don't think that I am going to be able to overcome all of my sins without help, but I am still not willing to let someone help me.
I am stuck right now...waiting for someone to come into my life, and help me with all of this. But for now, I am just waiting....I will wait for what it is God is doing, but I need to learn to be patient...
I have been so fake the past three days, and I think that people are starting to catch on. I am no longer able to have the fake happy smile, and the fake happy everything, because people are starting to look past all of my walls that I have built up.
As I sit in a room full of people: Miranda, Alexz, Tay and Maria are all here, but yet I chose to not talk about anything. Instead, I am keeping in all of the shame and pain that has come up in the past few week inside, and I am not willing to ask for help.
I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to just go up to someone and explain to them that all I am wanting is for someone to listen to me...Just to talk to me.
I don't think that I am going to be able to overcome all of my sins without help, but I am still not willing to let someone help me.
I am stuck right now...waiting for someone to come into my life, and help me with all of this. But for now, I am just waiting....I will wait for what it is God is doing, but I need to learn to be patient...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Without Ceasing
Last night, early morning today, we held an event on campus called Without Ceasing. Similar to Encounter tour senior devotions worship, and something that took my heart back to the first time I interacted with Encounter worship. The peace, the joy, the love and the hope that came from worshiping with people who are just as broken and hurt as I am, gave me a peace.
I wasn't really sure what it was, or if I was just putting this idea of peace in my head. I was shut off, crying, and distant from anyone and anything. Yeah, there were people around, but never close enough for me to explain what was really going on....
I began to think of my life. Really, who am I? Do I really live this life the way that I should? Do I let my past define who I am today? And will I always have a tag line to my name that I have been so messed up that I will never get away from that?
I knew that Alexz and Jennifer were there, but I still felt all alone. Like no one will fully understand, and be fully willing to deal with all that I am...
I am still working through all of those questions and still trying to find a hope that will give me the real peace and acceptance.
I don't know where I am supposed to go with all of this, or where I am supposed to place all of it, except at the foot of the cross, and leave it there...
I wasn't really sure what it was, or if I was just putting this idea of peace in my head. I was shut off, crying, and distant from anyone and anything. Yeah, there were people around, but never close enough for me to explain what was really going on....
I began to think of my life. Really, who am I? Do I really live this life the way that I should? Do I let my past define who I am today? And will I always have a tag line to my name that I have been so messed up that I will never get away from that?
I knew that Alexz and Jennifer were there, but I still felt all alone. Like no one will fully understand, and be fully willing to deal with all that I am...
I am still working through all of those questions and still trying to find a hope that will give me the real peace and acceptance.
I don't know where I am supposed to go with all of this, or where I am supposed to place all of it, except at the foot of the cross, and leave it there...
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
blah
I need to write, I need to talk, but nothing is coming to me....
Walk and pray seems to be the answer...
Walk and pray seems to be the answer...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
One Month (:
I have finished dinner tonight, and I am able to say that I have been eating every meal every day for the past 31 days. I thought that I would feel different, and have some sort of feeling of accomplishment, but I don't.
I guess I had put such a high expectation on what it would mean to finally live a "normal" life, that when I did finally reach a certain milestone, that something would happen, but nothing did. Not an emotion of accomplishment, or a sign that I am getting better with all of this.
I must keep moving forward, and now that I know that there is not emotion feeling that comes with living the way that I am supposed to, I must keep in mind that I am a creation of the creator of the universe, and He is throwing a party, with streamers, balloons, bright lights, and flowers because He loves me so much, and is so proud of me, because I have turned away from the evil of this world.
It is still a daily fight to keep up the progress, but I am moving forward, and God has placed some amazing people in my life that are able to hold me accountable, and remind me to keep pushing forward.
I guess I had put such a high expectation on what it would mean to finally live a "normal" life, that when I did finally reach a certain milestone, that something would happen, but nothing did. Not an emotion of accomplishment, or a sign that I am getting better with all of this.
I must keep moving forward, and now that I know that there is not emotion feeling that comes with living the way that I am supposed to, I must keep in mind that I am a creation of the creator of the universe, and He is throwing a party, with streamers, balloons, bright lights, and flowers because He loves me so much, and is so proud of me, because I have turned away from the evil of this world.
It is still a daily fight to keep up the progress, but I am moving forward, and God has placed some amazing people in my life that are able to hold me accountable, and remind me to keep pushing forward.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Hit another bump
I knew that before long, I would end up back in the same way that I was. My emotions, my actions, and all of my heartache that have kept me bound by sin, are all back again. I have shut myself out and now I am just begging to be held. I want so bad to answer with the truth when someone ask me if I am okay, instead of faking it again...
I don't think people like the Brittney that is real, they would rather it be fake with a smile then to see what is really going on. I don't want to be a bother to people, and I think that by letting people in, that is what it means, bothering people.
So bad I want to be able to smile for real, be happy for once, and find joy in the things that used to bring it to me. Now I just sit and wait for something to happen, and it never does. I am tired of waiting, and tired of hurting. I am ready to shut down forever.
I have lost my focus, and need to rekindle it, God only you can do this. Help me...
I don't think people like the Brittney that is real, they would rather it be fake with a smile then to see what is really going on. I don't want to be a bother to people, and I think that by letting people in, that is what it means, bothering people.
So bad I want to be able to smile for real, be happy for once, and find joy in the things that used to bring it to me. Now I just sit and wait for something to happen, and it never does. I am tired of waiting, and tired of hurting. I am ready to shut down forever.
I have lost my focus, and need to rekindle it, God only you can do this. Help me...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I am emptied, only to be filled by you again
I stand before my God humble and broken, with no where else to go. I have lived a life of secret, pain, and heartache, and today I have finally chosen to drop all of my chains, and finally experience what it is like to live a life of freedom.
So many times I take the time to place on the fake face and the happy personality, even if it isn't there for real. I have let perfection get the best of me, and have just recently realized that the standards that I have placed on my own perfection is unreachable. I have filled my heart with things that will not build me up, that will not let Christ shine through me, and that have constantly lead me to think that I am not good enough, or to put myself down to where I feel useless and unloved by everyone, yet still fake it to the point where I look happy.
I have made a promise to myself time and time again that I will be able to get rid of this, and every time, I fall in disappointment. When I reach a certain low, and finally make the decision that I cannot keep going, it is in that moment that I let God in and ask Him to help. But up until that point, the idea of being a beloved child of God is shut out and I ignore anything that has to do with the idea of beauty or love.
It is now that I see that I need to let God remain constant in the situation. I have Him almost like on speed dial when I have gone too far, and that needs to be changed. I must give Him my all, not half of me.
My chains has put such a hold on my life, and I have shut myself off far to many times, and it has finally reached a point where I cannot go on living my life like this.
We were created to give God all of our praise, and to build a community with other brothers and sisters in Christ. I have often let my fake life override how I am really feeling, and often put on my super human costume and try to help everyone else, while neglecting what it is that is going on in my own life. It has been easier for me to escape from what it is I am dealing with, to help someone else. I know how much heartache goes along with secrets, and I want to be able to help others with that problem, and place my own situation on the back burner.
I have let myself believe that I am too broken to let the real me help people, and if they really knew, they would lose all respect for me, but I have recently been told that making yourself vulnerable to other believers is where the healing begins. I have made the choice today to not suffer in silence anymore. I have to let others in, if I am really going to begin to live a life of freedom.
My brokenness is where God has been able to speak to me the most, and I have a hope and peace in knowing that no matter how much shame I place on myself and how much hate I have towards my body, that God loves me more than I can imagine.
I have tried for so long to put off the fact that I have so much pride in my life. I am to prideful, that I am never willing to fall in guilt before God, and have support from the ones who really do love me, that are in my life, no matter what I think. I have let my pride block out so many things, and most of the time it stands in the way of where I should be going for Christ.
I have had this idea of "going" for Christ the past few weeks, and I didn't know where I was supposed to be going with it, but I now know. Go, go and heal so that you can serve me with your whole heart. I am thinking this is what I am supposed to be doing as of right now, and if I put my trust and faith in God He will show me the next step, because I only see a small part of the picture, and He has crafted it to be perfect, just as He has created me. He didn't say it would be easy, and all things in my life would be smooth, but He has promised to give me a hope and a future, and I must rest in the fact that He is my real Father, and that the acceptance that I have always longed for from my earthly family will come from Him, and will be greater than anything on this earth can give me.
I have always strived to be told I was loved by my family, but I never reached a point where I believed they were being serious, and that they meant it. I have been told time and time again at college that I am beautiful and that I am so loved, but because of the past idea of being loved and told I am beautiful, I am yet to believe it. I am going to work on it, and see where God will take me and bring me to a point to where I do believe it.
But how? That is the question that keeps running through my head. I know that I have made the decision to let God enter all aspects of my life, and to start to let people in, but what about myself? Do I make a complete change in one evening, or do I accept the fact that it is a process and that healing doesn't happen over night? I know that it will take longer than what I am planning on it taking, but I need to change the mindset that I have that I am just going to fail again.
I am going to fill my life with positive. The people, the activities, and the atmosphere that I am living in. Blocking out negative will be hard, because it has been such an easy thing for me to accept for so many years, but I believe that through the power of Christ, He will help me overcome all of this, and I will learn live in freedom.
I have to let many things go. Some of it is relationships that need to be healed. If the response is not one that I am wanting and expecting, I need to accept that God will finally be able to heal the wound even if they are not willing to accept what I have to say. There are also "things" that have a strong connection to the self-image of my life. They need to be tossed and thrown away, because they are not Godly things that I need in my life. The final thing that I am needing to let go is myself. I need to lose all that I am, and become emptied, only to be filled again by the one who created me.
It will not be easy, and I keep having my doubts, but I am praying that God will take the amazing people that He has placed in my life, and give them the words that I need to hear. I am yet to accept all things that people say to me. I am still getting used to letting people in, and believing that they still love me after they know what I have been holding inside for so long, but I am going to try to take steps to believing those words that they say to me.
I may not be perfect, but today I begin to take steps in believing that I am beautiful and created in the image of Christ, and that His approval is all that I need in this world. Nothing earthly will every fill me up completely and the approval of people in my life that don't understand why I am living my life for Christ, will never be able to love me the way I want them to love me, but it is something that I must learn to accept.
I am scared of what the next step is going to entail. I am not sure how to love myself. I don't know how to constantly feed my heart on positive things, and I have never been able to go a day without thinking I need to fix something about myself, but I am hoping that the people that God has placed in my life to be my accountability, love and support will help me through His love, and I will be more than a conqueror to this obsession that I have let become my life.
This will be the start for real this time. I am ready to set myself free, and to become a disciple of Christ, and to heal the past that I have had, and live in a new life that only the cross can give me.
I must give God all of the glory and praise for all that He has been doing in my life. The people that He has placed in my life that are a constant reminder to me that I am loved is something that I have longed for, for so long, and it has finally been given to me.
I have been emptied, with nothing left inside, I am to start right now. It may just start out as a action, and there is no emotion to it, and I may not believe it for some time, but: I am a beautiful child of Christ, created in His image to do good works in the world.
Amen.
So many times I take the time to place on the fake face and the happy personality, even if it isn't there for real. I have let perfection get the best of me, and have just recently realized that the standards that I have placed on my own perfection is unreachable. I have filled my heart with things that will not build me up, that will not let Christ shine through me, and that have constantly lead me to think that I am not good enough, or to put myself down to where I feel useless and unloved by everyone, yet still fake it to the point where I look happy.
I have made a promise to myself time and time again that I will be able to get rid of this, and every time, I fall in disappointment. When I reach a certain low, and finally make the decision that I cannot keep going, it is in that moment that I let God in and ask Him to help. But up until that point, the idea of being a beloved child of God is shut out and I ignore anything that has to do with the idea of beauty or love.
It is now that I see that I need to let God remain constant in the situation. I have Him almost like on speed dial when I have gone too far, and that needs to be changed. I must give Him my all, not half of me.
My chains has put such a hold on my life, and I have shut myself off far to many times, and it has finally reached a point where I cannot go on living my life like this.
We were created to give God all of our praise, and to build a community with other brothers and sisters in Christ. I have often let my fake life override how I am really feeling, and often put on my super human costume and try to help everyone else, while neglecting what it is that is going on in my own life. It has been easier for me to escape from what it is I am dealing with, to help someone else. I know how much heartache goes along with secrets, and I want to be able to help others with that problem, and place my own situation on the back burner.
I have let myself believe that I am too broken to let the real me help people, and if they really knew, they would lose all respect for me, but I have recently been told that making yourself vulnerable to other believers is where the healing begins. I have made the choice today to not suffer in silence anymore. I have to let others in, if I am really going to begin to live a life of freedom.
My brokenness is where God has been able to speak to me the most, and I have a hope and peace in knowing that no matter how much shame I place on myself and how much hate I have towards my body, that God loves me more than I can imagine.
I have tried for so long to put off the fact that I have so much pride in my life. I am to prideful, that I am never willing to fall in guilt before God, and have support from the ones who really do love me, that are in my life, no matter what I think. I have let my pride block out so many things, and most of the time it stands in the way of where I should be going for Christ.
I have had this idea of "going" for Christ the past few weeks, and I didn't know where I was supposed to be going with it, but I now know. Go, go and heal so that you can serve me with your whole heart. I am thinking this is what I am supposed to be doing as of right now, and if I put my trust and faith in God He will show me the next step, because I only see a small part of the picture, and He has crafted it to be perfect, just as He has created me. He didn't say it would be easy, and all things in my life would be smooth, but He has promised to give me a hope and a future, and I must rest in the fact that He is my real Father, and that the acceptance that I have always longed for from my earthly family will come from Him, and will be greater than anything on this earth can give me.
I have always strived to be told I was loved by my family, but I never reached a point where I believed they were being serious, and that they meant it. I have been told time and time again at college that I am beautiful and that I am so loved, but because of the past idea of being loved and told I am beautiful, I am yet to believe it. I am going to work on it, and see where God will take me and bring me to a point to where I do believe it.
But how? That is the question that keeps running through my head. I know that I have made the decision to let God enter all aspects of my life, and to start to let people in, but what about myself? Do I make a complete change in one evening, or do I accept the fact that it is a process and that healing doesn't happen over night? I know that it will take longer than what I am planning on it taking, but I need to change the mindset that I have that I am just going to fail again.
I am going to fill my life with positive. The people, the activities, and the atmosphere that I am living in. Blocking out negative will be hard, because it has been such an easy thing for me to accept for so many years, but I believe that through the power of Christ, He will help me overcome all of this, and I will learn live in freedom.
I have to let many things go. Some of it is relationships that need to be healed. If the response is not one that I am wanting and expecting, I need to accept that God will finally be able to heal the wound even if they are not willing to accept what I have to say. There are also "things" that have a strong connection to the self-image of my life. They need to be tossed and thrown away, because they are not Godly things that I need in my life. The final thing that I am needing to let go is myself. I need to lose all that I am, and become emptied, only to be filled again by the one who created me.
It will not be easy, and I keep having my doubts, but I am praying that God will take the amazing people that He has placed in my life, and give them the words that I need to hear. I am yet to accept all things that people say to me. I am still getting used to letting people in, and believing that they still love me after they know what I have been holding inside for so long, but I am going to try to take steps to believing those words that they say to me.
I may not be perfect, but today I begin to take steps in believing that I am beautiful and created in the image of Christ, and that His approval is all that I need in this world. Nothing earthly will every fill me up completely and the approval of people in my life that don't understand why I am living my life for Christ, will never be able to love me the way I want them to love me, but it is something that I must learn to accept.
I am scared of what the next step is going to entail. I am not sure how to love myself. I don't know how to constantly feed my heart on positive things, and I have never been able to go a day without thinking I need to fix something about myself, but I am hoping that the people that God has placed in my life to be my accountability, love and support will help me through His love, and I will be more than a conqueror to this obsession that I have let become my life.
This will be the start for real this time. I am ready to set myself free, and to become a disciple of Christ, and to heal the past that I have had, and live in a new life that only the cross can give me.
I must give God all of the glory and praise for all that He has been doing in my life. The people that He has placed in my life that are a constant reminder to me that I am loved is something that I have longed for, for so long, and it has finally been given to me.
I have been emptied, with nothing left inside, I am to start right now. It may just start out as a action, and there is no emotion to it, and I may not believe it for some time, but: I am a beautiful child of Christ, created in His image to do good works in the world.
Amen.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Keep moving forward
As I sit here at 2 AM, I have more than thoughts going through my head. I feel like God has been moving and working on my heart, and I am not exactly sure what I am supposed to be doing with all of it. One minute my heart is telling me go, and the next I am letting myself get into the way of what I feel God is calling me to do.
I am not sure where it is I am supposed to be going, or what even I am supposed to be doing, but I am willing to let God have me and use me in His time.
I have been telling myself that no, God's not calling me to do some type of mission work, but my heart is telling me yes. I am praying about it and letting God show me what He is wanting me to do with all of this.
Along with thinking about where God will be calling me to go, I have been working on alot of other things.
Alexz and I had a conversation until 4 AM, the other morning, just sharing our stories, struggles, and celebrations with each other. I have learned that being open is the best way to heal from all of the hurt and pain that we have had in our lives.
She was willing and open, and as time went on, I became more comfortable with her. She caught on to the walls that I have had built up for so long, and began to become a friend, and supporter, and a sister in Christ, that I trusted.
I am working on being more open, and I think that it is beginning to help me heal. The community that it has brought me has been outstanding, and God has been showing me Himself through a lot of people.
I have have my guard up at times, but I am beginning to see the people that God has placed in my life, that I am called to open up to, and let them be a blessing in my life, by being an encouragement.
I am praying that God will continue to reveal Himself to me and where it is He is calling me to go and do, and continue to help me work through all of the pain from the past, and become restored by His love and grace.
I am not sure where it is I am supposed to be going, or what even I am supposed to be doing, but I am willing to let God have me and use me in His time.
I have been telling myself that no, God's not calling me to do some type of mission work, but my heart is telling me yes. I am praying about it and letting God show me what He is wanting me to do with all of this.
Along with thinking about where God will be calling me to go, I have been working on alot of other things.
Alexz and I had a conversation until 4 AM, the other morning, just sharing our stories, struggles, and celebrations with each other. I have learned that being open is the best way to heal from all of the hurt and pain that we have had in our lives.
She was willing and open, and as time went on, I became more comfortable with her. She caught on to the walls that I have had built up for so long, and began to become a friend, and supporter, and a sister in Christ, that I trusted.
I am working on being more open, and I think that it is beginning to help me heal. The community that it has brought me has been outstanding, and God has been showing me Himself through a lot of people.
I have have my guard up at times, but I am beginning to see the people that God has placed in my life, that I am called to open up to, and let them be a blessing in my life, by being an encouragement.
I am praying that God will continue to reveal Himself to me and where it is He is calling me to go and do, and continue to help me work through all of the pain from the past, and become restored by His love and grace.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Preparing for take-off
Wow! That is the only way to describe the past few days. God has been working and moving, and so many things are beginning to fall into place. Since I have been working up on control, everything seems to be working together. I know that I have been growing in the past two days, and I keep feeling life nothing is going to stop me, but I still have the doubt in the back of my mind.
I know that God is the one in control now, and I am just doing what is asked of me! Thanks and praise be to the God of the universe for making me a new person!
I am so excited to see where God takes me in the next few weeks, months and even years. I am willing to share my story, and be open to what God has in store for me.
I know that God is the one in control now, and I am just doing what is asked of me! Thanks and praise be to the God of the universe for making me a new person!
I am so excited to see where God takes me in the next few weeks, months and even years. I am willing to share my story, and be open to what God has in store for me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day Three
I have been trying to find out the different places in my life where I feel like God is leading me to pay more attention to and rework, and reflect on that part of my life.
Today, I have found myself thinking a lot about the way I am as a person. I have so many things that are going on inside but never really take the time to work through all of them. Then, the smallest little things happen, and it sets everything off. I am crabby, and closed off, and I tend to shut down to the world.
I noticed this today, and I need to work on my glory giving area of my life. I need to give God all of the glory for the good things that are happening, and not let myself get in the way. I am so focused on the negative, and looking for a reason to be upset with myself, that I forget that I am living my life for God, and that He is the one who should be getting all of the glory for what is happening in my life.
I believe that college is a time of change and finding out who you are and who you want to be. Mostly, I feel like we find out who we are by the friendships that we form. I have been trying to work on that, and I feel like it is time for me to branch out, and accept that I do have a problem, that I need to have accountability for, and let people in.
I love being able to get to know people, but I never give them the opportunity to get to know me or what or who I am really am. I am going to work on many things over the next few days, and I feel like giving up the complete control and letting God do all of the work, that I will find it freeing and I am going to be more willing to share with others what God has for me to do.
Well, I am guessing it is going to have to start with the close relationships that I have formed. Letting them all know that no, I am not happy all of the time, and yes, I am human. I fall, I have hurts, and I do ache for my past.
God is calling me at this moment to let go, and that is exactly what I have to do. Tomorrow I will begin to open up and share my story with those around me that are close, and be willing to be more open with them.
God, grant me the peace that I am needing inside me to do this. Give me the strength to be vulnerable to these people, and to let them in. I ask that you get all of the glory for everything that I do, now and forever. Amen.
Today, I have found myself thinking a lot about the way I am as a person. I have so many things that are going on inside but never really take the time to work through all of them. Then, the smallest little things happen, and it sets everything off. I am crabby, and closed off, and I tend to shut down to the world.
I noticed this today, and I need to work on my glory giving area of my life. I need to give God all of the glory for the good things that are happening, and not let myself get in the way. I am so focused on the negative, and looking for a reason to be upset with myself, that I forget that I am living my life for God, and that He is the one who should be getting all of the glory for what is happening in my life.
I believe that college is a time of change and finding out who you are and who you want to be. Mostly, I feel like we find out who we are by the friendships that we form. I have been trying to work on that, and I feel like it is time for me to branch out, and accept that I do have a problem, that I need to have accountability for, and let people in.
I love being able to get to know people, but I never give them the opportunity to get to know me or what or who I am really am. I am going to work on many things over the next few days, and I feel like giving up the complete control and letting God do all of the work, that I will find it freeing and I am going to be more willing to share with others what God has for me to do.
Well, I am guessing it is going to have to start with the close relationships that I have formed. Letting them all know that no, I am not happy all of the time, and yes, I am human. I fall, I have hurts, and I do ache for my past.
God is calling me at this moment to let go, and that is exactly what I have to do. Tomorrow I will begin to open up and share my story with those around me that are close, and be willing to be more open with them.
God, grant me the peace that I am needing inside me to do this. Give me the strength to be vulnerable to these people, and to let them in. I ask that you get all of the glory for everything that I do, now and forever. Amen.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Control
Giving up control has been one of the hardest things that I have tried to do in quite some time. I went on a walk today with Miranda, and most of the time, my own "control" issue dictated the conversation. I wasn't willing to let her in and talk, and she wasn't pushing for it, just waiting.
Half way through our talk, I decided that I needed to do it, and I began to open up...
As we talked, the topic of control came up, and I think that we have gotten a small glimpse of where the control flows from. I will keep working, and see where it takes me.
I am trying to let go of more and more, and at points I can see it working. I am taking my actions and making them my own. Changing goals and motivations, and over all my mind set.
I know that I have said this before, and every time it ends in disappointment. I want to make this time different. I want to change, and let go all the control. In all things in my life.
I am not sure how I will do this, or even if I can, but maybe this time I will use it as a learning experience.
I told Miranda today about my monthly reoccurring crashing points... One is yet to happen at Greenville, but I am just waiting for it... Satan knows that I am just playing the waiting game with it, and it's been on my mind alot lately.
I am making progress, moving forward, and still trying to understand where it is that I need to be focusing on and working on, so as of now I will take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, one second at a time.
Half way through our talk, I decided that I needed to do it, and I began to open up...
As we talked, the topic of control came up, and I think that we have gotten a small glimpse of where the control flows from. I will keep working, and see where it takes me.
I am trying to let go of more and more, and at points I can see it working. I am taking my actions and making them my own. Changing goals and motivations, and over all my mind set.
I know that I have said this before, and every time it ends in disappointment. I want to make this time different. I want to change, and let go all the control. In all things in my life.
I am not sure how I will do this, or even if I can, but maybe this time I will use it as a learning experience.
I told Miranda today about my monthly reoccurring crashing points... One is yet to happen at Greenville, but I am just waiting for it... Satan knows that I am just playing the waiting game with it, and it's been on my mind alot lately.
I am making progress, moving forward, and still trying to understand where it is that I need to be focusing on and working on, so as of now I will take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, one second at a time.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Where the Journey Begins
As I sit and begin to think about where it is that I have been and where I am wanting to go, I find myself thinking about the past few weeks that have been spent here at Greenville College. Have the events that have happen, had any affect on me since I have been here? Am I growing, and where should I be going in life?
I have found a new passion for missions and feel like I am connecting to God and others in a new way. I am not sure where the past month has gone, but I am sure that it will be one that I will not forget in quite some time.
The friends that I have met, and the relationships that have formed has been amazing. God has crafted this floor all for His glory, and it is shining so bright in so many things. We all have recognized that we are broken, and in need of being redeemed, and the support, love, and encouragement that comes from everyone on the floor is outstanding.
Classes have been so different than high school, but so rewarding. God is in the work of shaping me for what He has called me to do, and I am learning to be more willing and open.
I wish that I could have recorded all of the events that have taken place up until this time, but then I find myself hearing God's voice saying, the events that have happen thus far has be a sacred time, and is something that deserves to be spoken, and kept close to my heart. I know that they have really set the foundation for what is yet to come, and I am so excited.
I am changing daily, and I know that I need to become more open and willing to do the things that God places on my heart to do. I am not sure where the future holds, or even what is to come tomorrow morning when I begin to start a new week, but what I do know is that I am getting ready to start a new journey.
God placed it on my heart this morning to let go and find the love and freedom that comes from giving Him it all, and I am willing to begin this new journey. to see the rubber hit the road, and begin this new life that I have found in Christ.
I have the love and support that comes from the new family that I have here at Greenville College, and I am so ready to begin. I am being made new, I am being redeemed.
I want to make a change, and let things begin to unfold before my eyes, and be an obedient servant. Here we go, it's now my turn to fly...
I have found a new passion for missions and feel like I am connecting to God and others in a new way. I am not sure where the past month has gone, but I am sure that it will be one that I will not forget in quite some time.
The friends that I have met, and the relationships that have formed has been amazing. God has crafted this floor all for His glory, and it is shining so bright in so many things. We all have recognized that we are broken, and in need of being redeemed, and the support, love, and encouragement that comes from everyone on the floor is outstanding.
Classes have been so different than high school, but so rewarding. God is in the work of shaping me for what He has called me to do, and I am learning to be more willing and open.
I wish that I could have recorded all of the events that have taken place up until this time, but then I find myself hearing God's voice saying, the events that have happen thus far has be a sacred time, and is something that deserves to be spoken, and kept close to my heart. I know that they have really set the foundation for what is yet to come, and I am so excited.
I am changing daily, and I know that I need to become more open and willing to do the things that God places on my heart to do. I am not sure where the future holds, or even what is to come tomorrow morning when I begin to start a new week, but what I do know is that I am getting ready to start a new journey.
God placed it on my heart this morning to let go and find the love and freedom that comes from giving Him it all, and I am willing to begin this new journey. to see the rubber hit the road, and begin this new life that I have found in Christ.
I have the love and support that comes from the new family that I have here at Greenville College, and I am so ready to begin. I am being made new, I am being redeemed.
I want to make a change, and let things begin to unfold before my eyes, and be an obedient servant. Here we go, it's now my turn to fly...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)